A Marcy Project PSA. Sort Of.

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, and this picture that Lacey Banghard tweeted out this morning should be used in every ad campaign for breast cancer there is. Because Lacey Banghard, Rosie Jones, Holly Peers and India Reynolds have amazing breasts and it really shows us what we stand to lose if we don't beat this thing. Pink ribbons and slogans are fine, but there's a chance it makes cancer seem not as bad. But it is bad. As far as life changing events go it's even bigger than getting pregnant. Because you can't just drown cancer in a sink.  

Scarlett Is The Sexiest

Scarlett Johansson has been named Esquire magazines Sexiest Woman Alive for 2013, and Holy Shit are we still going through this charade? She’s awesome, she’s fantastic, but, honestly, when was the last time you bought a magazine? Might as well name her Miss Wagon Wheel. If I get bored, I’ll probably get up and go to the zoo more times than I’ll buy a magazine this year.

Maxim Did Something Right, Still Not Funny.

I've said before but Maxim hasn't been funny or relevant since I was a teenager. They named Miley Cyrus number one on their "Hot 100" just to really hammer home their incompetence. However, they took a step in the right direction by putting Lacey Chabert in their current issue. She was the youngest sibling in 'Party of Five' and now she's posing in her underware. It’s so exciting to see her career take on this new challenge, to see her express herself this way. It reminds me of the challenge I faced when I left my boy band. I don’t want to be known as just a great dancer, I want my music to make a difference, you know what I mean.

Gwyneth Paltrow Is Getting Me All Hot

It may or may not be legal to kill people who they look like they already died, I don’t know, I’m not a lawyer, but if it is, I’ll just roll up in court with these pictures. And when the judge says, “why did you do it,” I’ll walk over to the jury with a picture behind my back and say, “Because your honour, Gwyneth Paltrow  … was a Werewolf!”

And I’ll whip the picture out and everyone will gasp and the judge will bang his gavel demanding order. And then he’ll look at the picture and say, “Werewolf? Don’t you mean Zombie.” And I’ll say, “whatever. What am I, the monster detective? She looked like something.”

Kate Upton Is Off The Market

 Is there some shortage of sexy Hollywood hunks I don’t know about? Based on what my mirror told me this morning, no, things are going just fine. And yet physically perfect Kate Upton is dating this loser, who according to People used to be on 'Dancing With The Stars' and is "very serious" with Kate. Pffft! Whatever, button up your shirt, asshole. I guess being a fancy-boy-dancer is enough now to pull one of the hottest supermodels around. Just between me and you, pulling girls over with a fake police badge works pretty good too. 

The Emmys Happened. Julianne Hough Was There.

The Emmys were last night, but I didn't watch them because football and beer. But I did look up the pictures of all the sexy celebrities and sexy winners. White people be MAD today because Bryan Cranston didn't win for Breaking Bad, that distinction went to Jeff Daniels for The Newsroom. And guess what? Suck it, white people! Jeff deserved that shit and the The Newsroom is the best damn show on television.
Okay, good talk. Now on to the sexy.
Julianne Hough was probably the best looking one there, but she looks way better in a pair of jeans and t-shirt than she does in a fancy dress. She’s perfect just the way she is, I guess is my point. Like the laughter of a child or the promise of a new sunrise or my penis. An inch smaller would take away from it’s majesty, an inch bigger would just be greedy. Hint hint, Julianne.

Anastasia Ashley Is REALLY Good At Instagram

Anastasia Ashley is a pro surfer who captured our hearts and our minds with her viral warm up video 
While we can't as a society seem to escape Miley Cyrus' poor, sad ass, news outlets and social media are completely ignoring the majestic creation that is Anastasia Ashley's ass. I'm pretty much an expert on white girl ass as I've studied them my whole life, both here and abroad. I have advanced degrees in yoga pants and short shorts. My credentials speak for themselves, so please don't question me. All I'm saying is that we could clear up this whole Syria thing if Assad just watched this every morning. You probably wouldn't have the energy to slaughter thousands of people when all you wanted to do was eat a sandwich and take a nap.