Michael Bay's Commercials Are The Same As His Movies.

There's not a day that goes by where I don't google "Victoria's Secret Models", so you can imagine my surprise when I found out just this morning that Michael Bay has directed a series of commercials for VS (here's one). It's very much like a regular Victoria's Secret commercial, except more Michael Bay-ey.  Get out your checklist:

- Shot of a character very far away, walking toward the camera but blurred as heat rises up from the road? Damn right.

- Hero shot from below, framing the character with a blue sky behind them? You know it!

- Incoherent action? From start to finish my friends.

- Thoughtful characters? Not a one.

- Explosions? Why wouldn’t there be!

There’s no sassy black character who’s had it with all your 

motherfuckin bullshit or an elderly Asian character who has no reaction to the insane action going on just a few feet behind him, but why would Bay give that away for free when people will pay 12 dollars for it. 

Marisa Miller Won The ESPY's

The ESPY's were held last night, and my sworn enemy, LeBron James won some stuff. But Marisa Miller made all of us the real winners by showing up and looking amazing. Her dress wasn't slutty enough though. That dress asks you to use your imagination, and since the Internet can show you anything at any time, my imagination has been worn down to a nub from a lack of practice. If I was a cartoon, and you could see a close up of my brain, it wouldn't show a mouse sprinting in a wheel, it would show a donkey asleep on his back in the mud. Asking me to masturbate using my imagination is like asking me to build a log cabin. I know  people used to do that kind of thing, but I wouldn't even know how to start.