WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS ABOUT!?

I was trying to think of some reasons to call Jared Leto an asshole because I resent him being at the Grammys with my one true love, but then it dawned on me I’ve never heard anything bad about him, and he absolutely killed it in the Dallas Buyers Club. I know one time he had a cold, and I think one of his cousins is adopted. Maybe there’s something to that. Maybe he got the cold because he was fucking orphans. Let’s go with that.

Hey did you hear Jared Leto rapes little kids? I read it on a prominent website. Oh I know, right. What a piece of shit that guy is.

The Grammys Are Happening. Anna Wore This.

Anna Kendrick wore this dress to the Grammys and it shows a good amount of boob, which is good because I love boobs. When I have sex with girls while thinking about Anna Kendrick my semen will make them better drivers and let them know about shoe sales before they happen. Form an orderly line, ladies. No need to call me all at once.

Paulina Gretzky In A Bikini

I wish I had known about these photos of Paulina Gretzky hanging out in a bikini, because in one of the pictures she has a cigarette in her mouth, and I’d go buy a little tiger striped kitten and I’d be like, “Hey Paulina Gretzky, I know you're busy hanging out in a bikini but I just rescued this little kitten from a house with monsters and I don’t think it should be around cigarette smoke”.  And she’d be all like, “oh my god you’re so sweet. And brave too. Monsters are scary.” And I’d say, “Yes they are scary.” 

And then after that I guess I’d head home.  It’s getting pretty late.

Put Some Clothes On Lady!

Bar Refaeli went on twitter yesterday to post another picture of herself in a bikini (which she’s been doing a lot lately). Guess I missed the memo that says to be popular on twitter you have to post a bunch of smut and raunchy pictures. #saynotoporn

Is Pippa Engaged?

Some conflicting reports out there on wether or not Pippa Middleton is engaged. She's not. In fact, we haven't spoken in weeks. Mostly because I've been ducking her calls ever since she missed her period. I just can't be tied down right now.

Oh Hey, Courtnie!

Super hot Page 3 model Courtnie Quinlan tweeted out this picture of her signing some Page 3 calendars, but you should double check her math if you plan to use it because models aren’t really great with numbers. For example, my Playboy calendar says today is Swimuary 43rd. That can’t be right. And since when is Halloween in Partyember?

Katy Perry Has A New Perfume

 These are just pictures from a couple of weeks ago and aren’t news in any way, unless you consider hot girls with huge breasts to be news, which I very very much do. She and her gorgeous tits make a really effective marketing team. After seeing these pictures I went and bought a whole case of this stuff. I only drank one though. To be honest it tasted terrible. Maybe you’re supposed to shoot it, I don’t know. I’ll try again after lunch.