Katy Perry Is Smurfin' Hot

Katy Perry (pictured here after seeing me without my pants on for the first time. Call me, ladies) was at the preimere for Smurfs 2. She and I would be a good couple because we’re both real hot, but I dress real conservative. My sexuality is assertive without being pushy. 

Just Stop It!

Normally I am all for a girl wanting to take pictures with her clothes off.  But just like in old fables where someone sells their soul to the devil in exchange for riches, and in a cruel twist he makes you rich in something useless like wisdom or friends. Well, Lady Gaga is my cruel twist. Look at her, eyes are sunken like a raccoon.  Don’t get me wrong, I think raccoons are as cute as the next little girl does, but I can only think of a handful of times that I've actually wanted to have sex with them. 

Damn, Winnie Cooper.

If you're in your early to mid thirties then there's a pretty good chance Winnie Cooper was your first celebrity crush. Good news is the former 'Wonder Years' star years have been wonderful to her. BAM! NAILED IT! Here she is on the set of Avril Lavigne's new music video, and damn, she looks terrific all tarted up with those fish nets barely containing her fantastic ass. Later these pictures would be used as evidence in my trial with her attorney labelling me as a “sexual predator”.

“Sexual Tiger” is more like it, baby. Rawr

Alexandra Daddario Is New Here

I've never heard of  Alexandra Daddario, but according to IMDb she is one of the stars of the Percy Jackson movies (I'll let you pretend to know what that is) but more to the point, she is the current star of my erotic fantasies. 

In ‘Great Expectations’, Pip said this concerning fate and destiny:

“That was a memorable day for me, for it made great changes in me. But, it is the same way with any life. Imagine one selected day struck out of it, and think how different its course would have been.

Pause you who read this, and think for a moment of the long chain of iron or gold, of thorns and flowers, that would never have bound you, but for the formation of the first link on one memorable day.”

I read that on a magnet, and I don’t know what it means, but if it has something to do with me now stalking then having sex with this girl, that would be terrific.

My TMNT movie is > Michael Bay's

Here's more of Megan Fox on the set of Michael Bay's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. It's no secret that Bay is a egotistical douche bag and this movie will suck. I could make a far better film than this asshole. I'd call it, 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Erotic Awakening'

It opens with Rosie Jones at the sink rinsing some dishes. Megan Fox walks up behind her and gives her a hug, rests her head on Rosies shoulder. Megan thanks her for her help, then casually mentions how pretty Rosie looked at the party tonight. Rosie smiles and laughs, her skin beginning to tingle but surprised by this new intimacy. Then Megan says it again, “you looked really sexy”, and then, slowly, deliberately, Megan eases her hands up from Rosie's tight stomach and soft hips, and begins to rub her breasts. Megans hot breath and wet tongue mark their way down the cool skin on Rosie's  neck, a rush of pleasure, of course she noticed Megan before, the quick glances, the penetrating stares, and of course she was curious about an encounter with another woman, but this was all so sudden. Was it the champagne or the look in Megans eyes, it was hard to tell by now, but one thing was certain: this night was going to be like no other, and come morning, nothing would ever be the same.

I haven’t really worked out all the beats yet but after that they go have sex. Oh and there’s no turtles. And it’s set in the 70’s. The End.

ROYAL SCANDAL

BREAKING NEWS: ROYAL SCANDAL

According to a source that I just made up, the royal baby will be born a redhead. True story. Harry used his evil ginger sorcery to put his demon seed inside Kate. Ok, maybe it's not true, you caught me. Is this a thinly veiled excuse to post old bikini pictures of Kate? Maybe. And I know they're pretty blurry pics, but please understand that I've jerked off to a constellation before so these will do just fine, thanks. 

Also, I accidentally made closeups of her ass and boobs. And then I accidentally saved them. Then I accidentally uploaded them. I’m quite the butterfingers.

Sup, Selena?

I was busy the other day being all pouty because Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce were being unveiled as new Brooklyn Nets and I forgot Selena Gomez was also at the ESPY's. Since she's young and doesn't understand that the scrawny douche in the bedazzled hat she's dating  isn't really a bad boy just because he pisses in mop buckets and has a bodyguards to protect him when he spits in somebody's face, Selena Gomez is still dating Justin Bieber, giving her vagina the sads. I'd like to let her know when she has free time while Bieber is painting his nails or practicing ebonics with his swagger coach, I'd be more that happen to tend her Mexican garden. Unless Mexicans don't have gardens. Was that racist? Awww c'mon, baby. You know I didn't mean it like that.

Happy Birthday, Rosie Jones!

Some people say kids are our most precious resource, but those people are God damn liars and you should smack them in their damn mouths. You can’t go 10 feet without seeing some punk ass kid. How precious could they really be? Our real most precious resource is hot girls with huge breasts. If you've been following the blog then you know that I love Rosie Jones more than life itself. And today happens to be her birthday.

Aw she’s just fantastic. Beautiful face, huge breasts, long hair, huge breasts, that sexy British accent, and let’s not forget about her huge breasts. If God had a girlfriend, she’d look like Rosie Jones. My good friend, Jon Posynick once said that she wasn't the hottest girl in the world. I showed Jon my new Kershaw Outcast Onion Designed Fixed Blade Knife and reminded him the aorta runs the entire length of the torso. More pics after the jump.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ROSIE!!!!! XOXO 

Marisa Miller Won The ESPY's

The ESPY's were held last night, and my sworn enemy, LeBron James won some stuff. But Marisa Miller made all of us the real winners by showing up and looking amazing. Her dress wasn't slutty enough though. That dress asks you to use your imagination, and since the Internet can show you anything at any time, my imagination has been worn down to a nub from a lack of practice. If I was a cartoon, and you could see a close up of my brain, it wouldn't show a mouse sprinting in a wheel, it would show a donkey asleep on his back in the mud. Asking me to masturbate using my imagination is like asking me to build a log cabin. I know  people used to do that kind of thing, but I wouldn't even know how to start.

GQ Made a List

The super under rated Chrissy Teigan is number two on GQ's "sexiest women" list this year, and she looks fantastic, but of course all GQ ever puts online is lo-res versions of their pictures. Because why put a hi-res picture on their website? This internet thing is probably just a fad, but magazines are here to stay. Why just this morning I rode my penny farthing to the general store and bought one warning me about opium dens and Chinamen. Here's a link. 

Put A Bra On, Old Lady!

Britney has been a big star now for a long time, so you would think there would be money in the budget for a bra, but you would be wrong. It’s almost embarrassing that I used to have a crush on Britney. It’s even more embarrassing that I used to go through her garbage. And these tats I have of her on my back, chest and penis seem like less and less of a good idea, too. Well, not the one on my penis. It’s the complete lyrics to ‘Toxic’. Call me, ladies ;) 

George Clooney Is On To The Next One

Stacy Keibler has broken up with George Clooney, because George Clooney was being George Clooney and not having any of that "marriage" business that the ladies seem to be all about. George was reportedly  so broken up that he only nailed 3 models on his private island in Italy.

But I kind of understand, since I had a breakup recently as well, and I too slept around with some famous models to numb the pain. Except, replace the words “slept around with famous Models”, with the words “watched Duck Dynasty and cried when eHarmony commercials came on”. In hindsight, I guess our reactions weren’t very similar at all.

Lacey Banghard Is Perfect, My Future Wife.

I've been MIA the last day due to the fact that I've been listening to Magna Carta Holy Grail on straight repeat. And I'm not the only one. British glamour model, Lacey Banghard has been doing the same thing, as you can see by her twitter feed. She also tweeted a picture of her liquor cabinet. Ok, so lets do the run down.

British: check 
Brunette: check
Kickass rack: check
Loves the booze: check
Jay-Z fan: check and triple bonus points.

So the only questions is, do I go with pear shaped or princess cut when I propose? I mean, look at her for Christ sake. Now imagine me waking up to her everyday. Now imagine my semen looking like a Skittles rainbow being shot out like that beam on the Death Star. Because I'm pretty sure that would happen. Yep, I'm in love. Cheeky pictures after the jump. 

Happy Birthday, Merica!

You know how you've spent all day not looking at Emily Ratajkowski in a too small bikini top? Well come here, she has a better idea.