Friday, July 19, 2013

Happy Birthday, Rosie Jones!


Some people say kids are our most precious resource, but those people are God damn liars and you should smack them in their damn mouths. You can’t go 10 feet without seeing some punk ass kid. How precious could they really be? Our real most precious resource is hot girls with huge breasts. If you've been following the blog then you know that I love Rosie Jones more than life itself. And today happens to be her birthday.
Aw she’s just fantastic. Beautiful face, huge breasts, long hair, huge breasts, that sexy British accent, and let’s not forget about her huge breasts. If God had a girlfriend, she’d look like Rosie Jones. My good friend, Jon Posynick once said that she wasn't the hottest girl in the world. I showed Jon my new Kershaw Outcast Onion Designed Fixed Blade Knife and reminded him the aorta runs the entire length of the torso. More pics after the jump.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ROSIE!!!!! XOXO 


Thursday, July 18, 2013

Marisa Miller Won The ESPY's

The ESPY's were held last night, and my sworn enemy, LeBron James won some stuff. But Marisa Miller made all of us the real winners by showing up and looking amazing. Her dress wasn't slutty enough though. That dress asks you to use your imagination, and since the Internet can show you anything at any time, my imagination has been worn down to a nub from a lack of practice. If I was a cartoon, and you could see a close up of my brain, it wouldn't show a mouse sprinting in a wheel, it would show a donkey asleep on his back in the mud. Asking me to masturbate using my imagination is like asking me to build a log cabin. I know  people used to do that kind of thing, but I wouldn't even know how to start.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

GQ Made a List

The super under rated Chrissy Teigan is number two on GQ's "sexiest women" list this year, and she looks fantastic, but of course all GQ ever puts online is lo-res versions of their pictures. Because why put a hi-res picture on their website? This internet thing is probably just a fad, but magazines are here to stay. Why just this morning I rode my penny farthing to the general store and bought one warning me about opium dens and Chinamen. Here's a link. 

Monday, July 8, 2013

Put A Bra On, Old Lady!

Britney has been a big star now for a long time, so you would think there would be money in the budget for a bra, but you would be wrong. It’s almost embarrassing that I used to have a crush on Britney. It’s even more embarrassing that I used to go through her garbage. And these tats I have of her on my back, chest and penis seem like less and less of a good idea, too. Well, not the one on my penis. It’s the complete lyrics to ‘Toxic’. Call me, ladies ;) 


George Clooney Is On To The Next One

Stacy Keibler has broken up with George Clooney, because George Clooney was being George Clooney and not having any of that "marriage" business that the ladies seem to be all about. George was reportedly  so broken up that he only nailed 3 models on his private island in Italy.
But I kind of understand, since I had a breakup recently as well, and I too slept around with some famous models to numb the pain. Except, replace the words “slept around with famous Models”, with the words “watched Duck Dynasty and cried when eHarmony commercials came on”. In hindsight, I guess our reactions weren’t very similar at all.

Friday, July 5, 2013

Lacey Banghard Is Perfect, My Future Wife.


I've been MIA the last day due to the fact that I've been listening to Magna Carta Holy Grail on straight repeat. And I'm not the only one. British glamour model, Lacey Banghard has been doing the same thing, as you can see by her twitter feed. She also tweeted a picture of her liquor cabinet. Ok, so lets do the run down.

British: check 
Brunette: check
Kickass rack: check
Loves the booze: check
Jay-Z fan: check and triple bonus points.

So the only questions is, do I go with pear shaped or princess cut when I propose? I mean, look at her for Christ sake. Now imagine me waking up to her everyday. Now imagine my semen looking like a Skittles rainbow being shot out like that beam on the Death Star. Because I'm pretty sure that would happen. Yep, I'm in love. Cheeky pictures after the jump. 



Thursday, July 4, 2013

Happy Birthday, Merica!

You know how you've spent all day not looking at Emily Ratajkowski in a too small bikini top? Well come here, she has a better idea.