Courtnie Q Is New Here

Courtnie Quinlan is another one of those perfect British Glamour models who currently holds the keys to my heart (the other two being Rosie Jones and Lacey Banghard) I'm not sure what they're putting in the water over there, but I think if you have anything smaller than a C-cup, you're legally considered a boy. If someone wanted to make the case that she’s the best looking person on earth, I would find it hard to argue. I tried to upload only pictures with her clothes on. 

Predictably, that did not work, so the pictures you really want are in the gallery. Sometimes I feel pictures like this are the only reason you come here. What happened to the quiet mornings when we would just sit on the back deck and read the paper together. Answer me. ANSWER ME! *TH runs away crying, slams the bedroom door* 

Tricia Helfer Has still Got It.

Tricia Helfer showed up for the Riddick premiere last night in a shirt held in place by little more than optimism. Good for her. If there's a chance I can see her boobs, then I consider her one of our greatest heros. It definitely makes her more of a hero than Gandhi. All that wussy did was starve himself. What a dick! It's not known if she's in the movie or just there for the premier. Also not known: why my Rasin Roundies always win first prize. Is a pinch of nutmeg my secret? Oooooo I'll never tell! 
(Photo source: Saw first) 

Selena Won The VMA's.

So while Alexandra and Ariana looked great, there can only be one winner, and in life we celebrate the winners. At least that’s what my mom would say after youth football games, as my brother ate dinner with the family, and I watched from outside in the rain. 

These Ladies Did It Better At The VMA's.

Alexandra Daddario and Ariana Grande were the runners up at the VMA's. And too be honest with you, I can't worry about what the cool kids are doing anymore.  I can't just wear what Calista Flockhart and Morgan Freeman are wearing because it's the new thing.  I'm not gonna drink Pepsi just because that's whats goin on in the clubs.  My grandma and I agree, I'm cool just the way I am.

Katy Perry Did Not Win The VMA's

 Katy Perry can be hot when she’s mute and for 5 minutes stops dressing like a high school girl with a head injury.  Unlike in these pictures from Sunday's VMA's.  She’s pretty with a nice body and huge tits, but she insists on drowning all her hotness like it was a baby girl in China.  It’s like her plan is to not be sexy, but instead to be as annoying as possible as often as she can.  And so far, mission accomplished.

Anna Kendrick Is The Best

I just found out that Anna Kendrick will be in this months GQ. I'm sure I will go to a zoo more times this year than I will buy a magazine, but that's what the Internet is for. And I'm not gonna lie, God could tell me that in five minutes Jesus is going to ride down on a rainbow with a great battle axe on a giant cyborg horse with lasers for eyes to kill the wicked and when the wicked have been cleansed from the Earth, Jesus would take me up on a cloud and give me a basket of genie lamps and next week's winning LottoMax  numbers, and that would still be the second best news I've heard today.

AnnaSophia Robb Has Got Back

AnnaSophia Robb is the star of  'The Carrie Diaries', a show I will never watch. Ever. But I will look at these pics of her on set showing off her surprisingly hot ass. I won't get all technical, but I paid my way through paediatrician school by winning Hot Buns compitetions all over North America and Eruope, so I know a hot ass when I see one. My secret was having nicer buns than those other guys. One guy even cried. Another guy killed himself, the coroner couldn't say for sure if my buns were to blame. We may never know for sure. 

Michael Bay's Commercials Are The Same As His Movies.

There's not a day that goes by where I don't google "Victoria's Secret Models", so you can imagine my surprise when I found out just this morning that Michael Bay has directed a series of commercials for VS (here's one). It's very much like a regular Victoria's Secret commercial, except more Michael Bay-ey.  Get out your checklist:

- Shot of a character very far away, walking toward the camera but blurred as heat rises up from the road? Damn right.

- Hero shot from below, framing the character with a blue sky behind them? You know it!

- Incoherent action? From start to finish my friends.

- Thoughtful characters? Not a one.

- Explosions? Why wouldn’t there be!

There’s no sassy black character who’s had it with all your 

motherfuckin bullshit or an elderly Asian character who has no reaction to the insane action going on just a few feet behind him, but why would Bay give that away for free when people will pay 12 dollars for it. 

Happy Birthday, Jennifer Lawrence!

I read on the Twitter machine that it's Jennifer Lawrence's birthday today. I realized that I haven't done a post on Jennifer yet, so since I am a man of action* I am here to correct this injustice. Jennifer is beautiful, super cool in that dorky sort of way, has been nominated for two Oscars and won one. By all accounts she is Hollywoods most likeable star right now, oh and does stuff like this incase you needed more proof that she is better than you and I. And all this at 23. I'm 34 and spent the day painting stripes on a big box I found, now it's a race car. VROOM VROOM!  

*lazy as fuck

Sophie Turner Is Good At Social Media

Here is Sophie Turner and her ridiculously hot ass on Instagram and Twitter again. Would I hit it? Yes. Would I cry afterwards and ask her to hold me? Yes. Do I like pictures of kittens in baskets? Also yes. I also enjoy painting in watercolors and a nice chardonnay. I have several layers and can't be defined by my penis alone. I'm a human being, ok? I'm not just a piece of meat for you to ogle.

Ashely Greene Is A Hero.

God bless Ashley Greene for having the courage to address the problem of girls in shirts that cover their boobs. Girls in shirts are everywhere these days: in our schools, our neighborhoods, our churches and synagogues, you can’t even go to the market anymore without packs of girls in shirts roaming around in an intimidating fashion. Well Ashley has had enough, and she’s taking a stand. She’s an amazing woman!

Happy Birthday, Anna Kendrick!

Any conversation about the hottest girl in the world would have to include Anna Kendrick. You could disagree with me if you like, but that would be like not recognizing Texas as a state. It is a state, so stop being an asshole. 
Anna just finished filming 'The Last 5 Years', in which she plays a struggling actress. I play a hotshot Navy SEAL, kicked out of the service for a crime I didn't commit, lost in the bottle but finding peace in helping the disenfranchised. In the movie, you may ask? No my friends, in my incredible real life. 

Kelly Brook Is Single. Jackpot.

Kelly Brook is single now after finding out that her Rugby player boyfriend was cheating on her. Wait. What? Is this guy insane? Did the other girls vagina dispense soft serve ice cream? Gold coins? Because that's the only way I could see someone cheating on the perfect Kelly Brook.
His loss will be my gain though, it's really time I settle down and make an honest woman out of Kelly.
When I die my greatest hope is that it will be after a life well lived, with someone I love, and my final days marked with dignity. Instead of going to hookers and crying because I can’t get an erection, which is what I do now.

Barbra Pavlin Is New Here

Barbra Pavlin has taken on the noble task of being a lingerie model. And I totally get it, because I wear sexy underware all of the time just because it's so important for me to feel sexy. It's not just for my lady, it's for me, it's to pamper me, so I feel attractive and ready for anything.