Selena Gomez Is In A Bikini

Selena Gomez was poolside yesterday in a tiny bikini and she looks okay, I guess. She is allegedly 21 but in some photos she looks too young -- in a creepy sort of way. It’s like watching a thirteen-year-old, except I dont have to alert management that I’m there and have them sign my paperwork.

Kanye Will Not Holla We Want Prenup.

Kanye West proposed to Kim Kardashian over the weekend and is not going to ask her for a prenup. This is risky because she's already been married twice and he has a net worth of over 100 million. 100 million dollars seems like a pretty good reason to get a divorce, God knows women have left their men for a lot less. For example, when you use your girlfriend as a human shield and then push her down as you run away shrieking after that Latino guy asked for your car keys. In my defence, that restaurant never had valet parking before. 

Have you seen Kim lately? Woof! Here's Minka Kelly instead. You're welcome. 

Your move, Bar Rafaeli

In a recent interview Bar Rafaeli did with a magazine I can't remember, she said she can't find a man. So I'm just going to leave my bbm pin here and let her come to me. bbm pin:769BAAD9 Holla back, Bar! 

Christie Brinkley Is A Wizard

80's supermodel, Christie Brinkley is 59 years old and still looks like this. Fifty-nine. Years. Old. I think her real last name is Button because she looks fantastic. Lindsay Lohan is 27 and looks like she punched her way out of a haunted grave. Stay off drugs, kids. 

Julianne Hough Works Out. Always.

This is why you women drive us nuts. Julianne Hough wears a pair of tights to the gym that looks like something you’d wear to be an anatomy class model, oh, but if I get caught looking at her toaster, suddenly I’M the pervert here right? What does she have on under that shirt, blinking Christmas lights wrapped around her tits? Good God! 

It's Anna Kendrick, Bitches!

If you were wondering wether or not I would be doing a Anna Kendrick post today, well buckle the fuck up because you're god damn right I am! My Anna was the premiere of her movie 'Drinking Budies' in London last night. She is so GD perfect that she could be cut out of a sharks stomach or fused to airplane wreckage and I would still need one of those condoms that numb your penis. I could watch Anna push my grandma down the stairs and all I could say is, "wow, look at her go. You must work out". In summation: Anna could be dead for 12 hours and I would still go down on her 

Emily Ratajkowski Is Good At Twitter

Whenever I go to a high school and speak with todays young people about making positive choices, one topic that’s sure to come up is sex. Girls will ask if it’s ok to take sexy pictures and post them on twitter. Like Emily Ratajkowski did last night. And I tell them yes, yes it is. Then I pretend to take a call from Justin Bieber and loudly say, “what’s that, you want to party tonight with some girls who like to have fun? Well where am I supposed to find girls like that, Justin Bieber?”

Ashley Greene Has New Hair (it's been a slow week, okay)

It's no big secret that I like brunettes way more than blondes (Juno Temple being the exception) so I was pretty disappointed when Ashley Green went blonde recently. But she's still really hot, so if Ashley Greene with brown hair is a new Maybach, then Ashley Greene with blonde hair is a new Maybach low on gas. 

Victoria's Secret Annual Reminder That You're Poor

Here's Candace Swanepoel in a 10 million dollar bra, in case you were wondering why poor countries hate America. Lol, poor people!!

In Case You Forgot That You Hated Paris Hilton

It’s been a long time since I've seen any Paris Hilton pictures, and they say absence makes the heart grow fonder, soo…

Okay apparently it hasn’t been long enough yet because I still hate her. Even tarted up in a stupid Terry Richardson photo shoot . God she’s ugly. It’s disgusting. She’s all flat, sharp angles, like a sculpture that no one bothered to finish. And why would they? Look at it. What’s the point? She’s got that big goofy nose, and her head looks like a block of wood that’s way too big for the rest of her body, which is just a bunch of sticks. To be honest she sort of looks like Pinocchio when he was still a marionette. Oh I know. I’m gettin all turned on too.

Happy Canadian Thanksgiving From Nina Agdal

It's Thanksgiving here in Canada, and this year I'm very thankful for Nina Agdal. These are new pictures of her modelling Beach Bunny Swimwear. She’s so perfect I don’t need new pictures. I don’t even need pictures. If she got killed in a car crash today, I could jerk off to her obituary. I’d almost have to. There’s no way I could think about her for more than a minute without getting an erection. But yeah, here's new pictures. What? Well if you don’t like that kind of thing why are you even here? No. No you’re a pervert. No you are. 

Rachel Bilson In Marie Claire

Holy crap.  There's no one on earth cuter than Rachel Bilson.  I would drink warm blood to get into that chicks toaster.  But she's so cute it almost makes me feel bad.  It would be like if little baby tigers and pandas were doing a nativity scene, with a little baby kitten as the baby Jesus, and then I got a hard on.  I'm not even positive I could consummate our relationship.  It would be hard to see her as anything but an object of beauty.  Wait, "consummate" means "anal" right?  Oh, ok.  Never mind then.  We're good.  

Sup, Anastasia Ashley?

Pro-surfer Anastasia Ashley posted another picture of her amazing ass on Instagram, and if you think this is surprising, how do you think I felt when I realized the hooker in the trunk of my car wasn’t even really dead yet.  

Bar Rafaeli Is Photogenic

Bar Rafaeli released a whole new set of photos of herself in her underware and pyjamas, in what can only be described as a last ditch effort to get me back. Look, Bar, we had fun but I'm with Anna Kendrick now, and we're really happy together. And quite frankly, this all seems a little desperate. You're better than that. Keep my blue v-neck shirt, I know what it means to you, but you have to stop calling the house. Okay? Are we good now?